Ok i think im gonna just change my SONGgGg cuz ppl are feelin sorry for my booty cuz im "LONELY" haha ya'll crazZy im not lonely.... its JUST a song!! haha! I just happened to have my kali friend introduce this song to me and i just happened to like it ^^

Anyways.... gosh I am sucker when it comes to celebrity gossip! i dunno why but I wanna find out about my Jessica Simpson and how her man Nick can't treat her right or how a hacker got into Paris' sidekick! What can I say....its JUICEEEY!!!

So I happen to watch all these shows today..... True Hollywood Story was on about that crazy "naive" girl or as we like to call her..."hoe" on the Real World Las Vegas.... Celebrity Breakups on VH1 was next.....Celebrity Look A Like makeover after that....INFERNO II pops up on the TV..... gosh i feel like im soOo drawn to these shows that it feels like im actually playin a part in it. haha! Like Im a celebrity lookin in on my celebrity friends' lives!! isn't that psychotic??!! Do u know what i mean though? I couldn't lift my eyes off the TV. Then it HIT me....I wanna be on one of those reality shows...... OK OK OK...... so maybe i will never be on one.... but it doesn't hurt to try! haha!!

Im gonna make an audition tape DAMN IT! make a fool out of myself and see if it gets me in....... ok dream on alice!

ok back to MY reality show........ -____________- (boring as it is)......

I caught a stomach virus this past weekend and threw up a gazzillion times and lost 5 lbs.... thats the best diet I've ever had! hahaha! REPEAT AFTER ME..... U DONT WANT THE STOMACH VIRUS!! and then went to Sophia's bday after i felt betta......

is that!!!!!!!?????..............

HILLARY DUFF!? the cute fun lovely darling hillary?? o no what will her mother say!? i guess she's doin a booty call with aaron carter!!!

WOW!! i think this is the longest that I've ever been away from my xanga.... sniff sniff.... o how i missed u! NOT! I think everyone says that after they've come from a loOong vacation from this xanga. haha!

I just thought xanga was wasting my time listening in to ppl's lives and bragging about mine...... its just pointless to me. But since i'm bored what else can i do? hehe ^^ 

Now I dunno what to write.... I guess I can say whats been going on in my life....

I go to State now.... fun classes and everyone's nice! I met old friends and some new friends. Living in a real college experience (sorta) is a lot better then GPC. I actually study now and its CrAazZy to know that i can get good grades! hehe ^^

I've been concentrating on my spirituality with God bc last yr... ive been going thru a lot of emotional pain. There were rumors.... and hating... and relationship problems... and ending of friendships. I realized that i've been trying to get over this by myself....and without God's help. I've been trying to get back at ppl that have tormented me and judged me....basically i've been learning how to hate. Hate is such a strong word and such a strong feeling. I despised the feeling bc it made me feel like it wasn't myself...and i was just going along with the hateful world around me. It is said that going along with this world is learning how to survive it. I've tried to go along with this world but all it did was make me unhappy and make me more hateful. Now... I know a lot of ppl dont believe in God..... but I made a promise to Him that I'll try to go the right way and feel the right emotions...and guess what? this improvement has made me soOo much happier this yr and i wanna keep on going. 

Ive been worrying about what ppl would say and do to me...Ive just... been learning how to hate myself and the ppl around me.... and when i felt down I went along with hurting myself like drinking or whatever. i've been judging and bringing glory all to myself even if it was the slightest thing like trying to get ppl to pay attention to me. Was I even happy then? I dunno about u but all that experience i went thru didn't help me at all....

I've been hanging out with family and close friends.....listening to God's word....doing activities.... studying even though I thought i wasn't smart (haha)...working out... its been fun! I even play boardgames with my friends on a Saturday night!!!!!!!! what the heck!? haha! I use to parttay up the AZZZZ on a Saturday night...... when that night hits..... im bumpin at a club doing some sip sippin and some pop poppin! but boardgames!? HEY! its fun to me so i'll keep on doing it ^_^

I feel like I came a long way with my emotions and what I've been thru... yea u can say that im spoiled and I dont NEED a job and I didnt go thru pain and suffering physically like others.... but to me.....I'm thankful for that....and what was harsh for me was falling away from God...... thats enough for me to say "I F*Cked UP!" I've grown up but I have alot more to grow up to....Im not perfect....Im not the best... but all i can say is that im happy ^^

LIKE MY CURLY HAIR???.......

Ok thats not the point in this entry ^_^ I was just bored in that picture and took a glamour shot picture haha! Anyways how was everyone's new yrs!!?? HAPPY NEW YR by the way. I spent mine alcohol free...well except a cocktail but u guys know what i mean!! I spent my time like an old granny and did reasonable things like eating out and going to the peach drop SOBER!! Wanna see pics?? well heres my weekend for ya......

**edit**

look who loves me and wrote me this lovely comment!! hahaha this random guy has some problems!! he's been leaving girls and guys fawked up msgs like this one all over xanga..... but im laughing cuz he has no life but to write this....should i be threatened?? haha! Although its disturbing how people can think like this =T what a crucial world....

heres his xanga sight just to warn u that he might come after u! oOoOo aren't u scared now! (sarcasm)

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Kaspersky

when you go out to your car, i will be in the backseat. i will not let you know this until you are miles away from home. i will hold a Glock to your right temple, and tell you to keep your fucking hands on the wheel. i will direct you at gunpoint to a secluded parking lot behind a failed dot-com's warehouse.

i will take you out of the car and instruct you to tape your legs together at the ankles. halfway through, i will tire of your sniveling and blubbering and pistol-whip you. this will wake you up, and sharpen your mind to the fact that you are as good as fucked. i will force you to touch your toes and hog-tie you with cat-5.

then i will cut your clothes off. if my knife slips and cuts you, that's not my problem. i'll spit on my hand and rub it on my cock, to get it a little bit slick.

then you will take every millimeter i can give, all at once, and if you scream i will just laugh and stab you in the leg. i will fuck you as though you are the object of all my spite and assfucking is the worst punishment i can give you. i will fuck you until you bleed, and i will bash you on the head with a rock at the moment when my cum mixes with the oozings from your tattered colon.

then i will drive away, and drive your car into a river. your humiliation will be complete, public, and nagging. i will get away scot-free.

Fucking Liars

*****

anyways back to my normal post!!

RANDOM THINGS:

gosh this is hard to say......or put into words but here it goes.......

~By talking with what I thought was my enemy....I should be happy to work things out and solve our problems with her.....but I still feel like a lot of trust and belief was lost during the time period of us not talking to each other. After hearing things I shouldn't have heard....... I am sick and tired of how people treat each other to the point where it scars them for life. It really did scar me......

Of looking in the past of who were my true friends...... I trusted them.....gave them all of myself..... but with one mistake and one misunderstanding they completely forgot the bond that we shared......Im talking about my BESTEST of friends that I thought knew me.......even though it seemed to them that I betrayed them...... in reality they betrayed me for thinking that im a fake to them.....when deep down inside they know who i am...... they know how i act..... they know how i feel...... and DEFINATELY know how much i care about them......

I see that people selfishly think of how much hurt I gave toTHEM and how much stuff I did "wrong" to THEM..... but have they ever considered thinking to themselves what I have done for them and how much of my heart that I gave to them...... it seems to me that they selfishly forgot about our friendship. Can they not see how much they've HURT me?? It was all of us that hurt each other and i understand that. Why can't they see that I would never do anything to hurt them......... no one tries to listen to me...... just automatically treat me as Im juust like one of "them"..... but im not..... im truly not.....and i thought they knew me like that..... to my own FACE they told me we're true friends...... but i see that they're not.....if we really were then stop.... stop all this drama and lets fix this misunderstanding that kept us from becoming stronger....

I cant believe people would turn to anger and hate..... and listen to rumors and not come to the person they SHOULD be talking to.....rumors just seperate friendships.....they steal u away from truth....they steal u away from love and turn ur love into hate. I've try to say my apologies...but why can't u guys. People do change.....we become more knowledgeable and understanding..... less drama happens in our lives......im accepting it......why can't u guys?? I would want us to be friends again after a stupid fight just like that!....this isnt worth it.....

No one knows me now except the ones I open up to which are my real friends now.......and I'm sure that is the same way with everyone..... and I guess this is how it should be.... but why did it have to become like this where I became so cautious with whoever comes along my way. I use to open up so easily but theres just so much hatred in this world that i cant deal with it anymore. This is how much u guys affected me....it hurts a lot......But whatever happens....forgiving or not..... i know in u guys' heart that u know im sorry and im sure u guys' are too.... im sure everything will be ok even though we will never talk again..... thats just how God made his plans for us........

this might not have made sense but whatevers.... my mind is too boggled up with everything that i can't write down what i exactly wanna say.....the main thought that is in my head is why...... why.....why did we have to go our seperate ways when we were so much alike and so strong towards our friendship......and i was thinking that this wasn't worth it...... it still isn't =T

ps~ this wasn't intentionally talking towards the friend i talked to last night.... it was to others that i feel I wish i can talk things out with..... that a lot of misunderstandings were held..... and that i still cant forget how much their friendship meant to me.....u guys' know who u are.....

pps~ thanks girl for listening to me and im glad we talked it out finally....and i know it'll take time for us to build what we use to have......maybe it'll be the same and maybe it will never be the same.... but at least we heard each other out....